Hate

Another unforgettable night, a very serious fight with A. The root cause still unknown, so many things to think about. He hated me that much that he was able to vent out almost all his ill-feelings towards me.. It was indeed very painful that I had no choice but to bear it.

Maybe it's my fault.. I failed to comfort and reassure him that everything will be alright.. That even if we did not find a very suitable attire for him this coming saturday's swimming, there's still ample time to look for one.. I didn't mean to.. I know he is in a bad shape and I'm just waiting for the right time that everything will suffice that we could already talk about it.. I was again misinterpreted.. My point is of all the things said and done, concerns and sacrifices made, he still thinks that I do not care. I'm wondering why.. I can't seem to comprehend. He said my pride is that much to make him feel indifference. The truth is I just don't know how to start or how to approach him when he feels a bit ok and when all the blame won't be put to me. I actually did my best in figuring out the best he can wear. I hope he remembers that I only wish the best for him but it feels sad that of all the persons I know, he is the only person who regards me as someone very annoying, very indifferent..very despicable..

I cannot understand why he always think that I am rejoicing knowing that he is unhappy. Is he of this kind that's why he thinks of other people this way.. Can't he just be happy for other people being unselfish first about his sorrows.. He definitely has a lot, blessings in abundance. Where's all the hate coming from? I actually don't know what to think of now.

It's unfair on my part that I'm being misconstrued about someone that he thinks I am when I'm silent. God knows my real intentions and none of them is cruel. But perhaps, it lies in the fact that I cannot express my thoughts and feelings well enough to be understood.. It's really about time that I make concrete plans of doing that.

Well, the bottomline is I am not the one who was hurt first. That basically somebody felt bad because of me knowing that it is Sunday, a day for Him and a day for his dad. My sincerest apologies for all the things I failed to do. I should really know better from the very beginning.

I hope that we can surpass this. I don't think that this trial is enough reason to call it off. If love is enough, then we can find in our hearts to forgive and always give each other a chance to improve, an opportunity to change. I fervently pray that this soon shall pass, that we could talk about this and move on.

" Love is oftentimes too much to handle, sometimes really way beyond us. But that's the magic and spice of it, that we go out to our shells basically challenging ourselves to discover and learn not only with what we experience but also with how other people feels".

With this I rest my case, it's still my fault. I am really sorry..

MOA

Will be out in the office after an hour and a day off of it tomorrow.. Pretty much excited about me getting a complete night of sleep recharging for another week of "hanging out" here in the office, mostly browsing and reading other people's blog, hehe..

However, I'm still considering going out with my closest friends to watch pyrolympics in MOA at 5pm.. I am torn between just relaxing at home or maximizing the time for my rest day.. Nothing to lose either one I should choose.. Perhaps, I'd rather go out and have fun. Wish I could also drop by in my friend's birthday celebration, also in MOA. He just invited me few hours ago.. I just hope that A is still at home waiting for me before I decide.. I'd prefer to be with his company before anybody else. If he'll be out, I'll be in the big mall for sure..

Happy weekend nevertheless..

mistakes

I still love you, I have always been and will forever. No matter what happens, how ever you want to hate or hurt me, the fact remains that I can't bear the thought of leaving or shall I say living without you.

Yeah, I know I have a lot of shortcomings, mistakes in the past present or future but I know how to make it up for them. Please don't blame me for the issues I am not involve with. I need you to stop suggesting me to say sorry for the mistakes I did not do.

I want this to work, I don't want any fights, I am absolutely not happy with that.

I understand your frustration but that is not enough reason to put the blame on me.

I hope you can let go of your bad feelings towards me because I really don't have anything against you..


Hoping... praying...

Moving out, moving in

Life will be full of surprises and unexpected twists and turns for the next coming days, figuring out plans A and B. I don't know, I am just a fickle-minded person who has not grown yet to become a mature person who knows what he really wants. One thing for sure is that I love you and will always will. Obviously I am not perfect, I will not be. But if you'll be extra considerate, I can assure you that I will stay with you for as long as you want doing the best thing I can do to make you happy. I just need to hear the words.

of dying and of living again

This is the day that i die or wish i could be half one at least. Pain is so much excruciating I can't seem to bear at first. I finally knew where I should stand in this game.. I don't have any complaints. Things are just really that. Life is a box of chocolate, you don't know what you're gonna get.. At least I know almost everything now. I accept that. It may not be that abruptly but I'll try making it faster than expected. My love for you is much more than any heartache I feel inside.. I'm so thankful that you enjoyed my company and as for me, I'll treasure the friendship forever.. Wish to see you in a better light next time..

I hope that being ok now would mean being fine later or even the following days. It cant be helped that there will always be something that would remind me of you because there are really things that can't be changed, company we belong into and friends around us that we share laughter with.

Again, thank you for all the lessons learned and hopefully for the maturity it will contribute to my personality.

Hoping not to be cynical with love.. Praying for the right person to come..

Roller Coaster ride on falling in love head over heels

It's better to love and fail than to never love at all. Another rationalization convincing myself that everything that is happening right this time is with a purpose and to be savoured, for this kind of experience may not happen again in my life. Yeah, it's quite ironic and pathetic that I seldom fall in love, very much wholeheartedly that is, without any restrictions or boundaries as to what I can offer.. This kind of feeling actually overshadows my logic and reason, that I am becoming much of a slave by my emotions.. I am really sorry for myself that I have indulged it to this kind of complication because the fact that the person is already tied up to a present relationship should mean me backing down my dream of becoming the legal one. It could be just simply cutting the emotions out and then moving on, but for me things are much complicated than that.

I admired him the moment I saw his pictures. Admiration continued for almost a year before finally meeting him the first time on the 29th of November.. He's really a drop dead georgeous and I think anybody can be attracted by his simple moves of sweetness, care and appreciation. That was the day I discovered that I was caught up on this game of love.. I was glad that we had quite a connection, conversing about anything under the sun and finishing out each other's sentences.. We had fun that night hoping the night would never end.. I felt loved..


But the truth remains that we can never be, maybe not right this time.. The dilemma is where should I be standing amidst all these. I found myself brainstorming on what course of actions to be taken, options to be considered and feelings to be felt.. I thought of just letting go of it since I think he won't choose me over his current. That would mean total lost of communication pretending that he doesn't exist and I never met him in my lifetime.. some sort of selective amnesia, right. hehe.. Well I have chosen the second option I pondered on. The decision to stay with this kind of feeling, enjoying every moment of it, hoping for better things to come.. He'll have my heart so long as he desires and appreciates. I will always be here for my dear bro and would not make anything reckless. One good thing it makes me is that at least I have a goal in life trying to be the best that I can be so that I can also be the best for him.. I really cannot fall down right this time and I should know how to take care of myself more so that I can take care of him when he needs me.. I will always be a home he can go home to anytime.. I want to prove to him that life with me is life nearly perfect..


Yup, I know that there are still other realities surrounding this kind of scenario. Everybody has each own opinion about these. But for me, there is really no exact formula of what true love is.. I am just but a lover, so much in love with a person, blinded by my feelings for him. But i need not worry so much. Behind this very vulnerable me lies a stronger, free spirited person who doesn't beg for love. Just trying to play my cards just well. thanks..

at least

Just attended mass today celebrated by father "Singkit". He is becoming my favorite priest now. I love how he put jokes in between his homily making it more lively preventing people from being bored, eventually falling asleep, hehe.. Main thought for the day is to at least exert extra effort in doing good deeds everyday.. I'll attend the mass next week again, luckily he has like a fix schedule @ 6:30pm in SM Megamall..

In another story, I really felt happy and kilig yesterday because I finally chatted again with Aubs, hihi.. I just don't know what's really about him that makes me weak? nyahaha, so chessy! It's a good thing that for a day, somebody managed to make me smile and complete it.. Even if we only become good friends, that's just fine with me because I exist to him, somehow..

Tomorrow will be a brand new day of challenges. I'm not so worried now because I am at peace with Christ again, just don't know til when but I will continue trying.. Holding on it..